I Wasn't Always This Sensitive

Last week I wrote about my experience with Lions Gate 8/8.

I imagine a few people reading it may have thought, "I didn't notice anything different. What is she going on about?"

And that's OK.

A few other people did notice differences in their bodies and wrote about their experiences.

I certainly noticed a difference!

But there's something I didn't explain in last week's post.

I wasn't always this sensitive.

There is a much bigger story behind why I listen so closely to my body today.

35 years on benzodiazepines

I had been taking benzodiazepines for around 35 years.

I tried several times to come off them, but one of the biggest problems was finding the right advice.

At that time, there was very little readily available information about how to taper safely.

I remember being advised to cut my tablets into quarters, take three-quarters for a week or so, then reduce the dose by another quarter every couple of weeks.

After taking benzodiazepines for such a long time, my body simply couldn't cope with reductions like that.

I now know that stopping benzodiazepines abruptly or reducing them too quickly can carry serious withdrawal risks, including seizures. Looking back, I'm very glad I didn't simply force myself to keep going with a taper my body couldn't tolerate.

Eventually, I found a way to taper very slowly.

But even after completing that slow taper, I experienced some very severe aftereffects.

My body was telling me something

I experienced what felt like adrenaline surging through my body almost constantly.

At the time, I described it as my adrenal glands going into overload. Eventually I reached a point where my body seemed unable to cope with any more and I became almost bedridden.

That was the beginning of a very long lesson.

I had to learn how to listen to my body.

And I mean really listen.

I had to learn when I could exercise and when I absolutely shouldn't.

I had to learn how long I could exercise for and which exercises were a definite no.

Even breathing became something I had to understand.

I found that certain breathing exercises could leave my system feeling overstimulated, but shallow breathing wasn't good for me either.

It was a bit like Goldilocks.

Too much wasn't right.

Too little wasn't right.

I had to find what was just right for me.

And finding "just right" involved an enormous amount of trial and error.

Unfortunately, an error could mean much more than simply feeling tired for the rest of the afternoon.

Sometimes I could end up virtually bedridden for days.

Learning to rebuild

Those experiences left me with what felt like a very fragile nervous system.

But gradually, things began to change.

I used EFT, hypnotherapy and kinesiology extensively during this period. For me, these modalities helped take an enormous emotional load away while my body was trying to recover.

And there was another layer to all of this.

At the same time, I was also going through a family breakup.

So my body wasn't recovering in a peaceful little bubble where everything else in life had stopped. There was a huge amount happening emotionally as well.

Over time, the adrenaline episodes became less and less frequent.

I became stronger.

I learned what my body could tolerate.

I learned to recognise its warning signs.

And, most importantly, I began to trust it rather than constantly fighting against it.

So why am I still so sensitive?

It's now around 15 years since I completed my taper.

I've come an incredibly long way.

But when my body detects a change, it can still sometimes overreact.

I also became what I describe as an empath.

I tend to sense energy through reactions in my body. That is my experience of sensitivity today, and it's one of the reasons something like last week's Lions Gate experience can feel so intense to me when someone standing beside me may feel absolutely nothing.

I don't expect everyone else to experience the world the way I do.

My husband and daughter certainly don't experience things in the same way I do.

But I have learned not to dismiss what my own body is telling me simply because somebody else doesn't feel it.

Why the nervous system fascinates me

My own experience is also one of the reasons I'm so interested in Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory and the question of how we support and rebuild a nervous system that has become highly sensitised.

I know what it feels like when your body seems to react to everything.

I also know what it feels like when that begins to change.

Recently, one of my friends who finished her benzodiazepine taper around the same time as I did wrote to me:

"We've come a long way, Coby."

We certainly have.

Healing hasn't meant doing nothing

Over the years I have sometimes been advised that the answer was simply to do nothing.

That hasn't been my experience.

For me, healing has involved learning when to rest and when to move.

It has involved addressing the emotional experiences I was carrying rather than pretending they weren't affecting my body.

Bessel van der Kolk titled his well-known book The Body Keeps the Score, and that title has always resonated with me.

My own journey has taught me how closely our physical and emotional experiences can become intertwined.

For me, healing has involved movement, nutrition, addressing emotional trauma, listening carefully to my body, keeping an open and positive mind, and maintaining a firm belief in my body's capacity to improve.

It hasn't happened overnight.

It certainly hasn't happened in a straight line.

And there has been plenty of trial and error along the way.

But my friend was right.

We've come a long way.

Fifteen years after completing my taper, I am still a sensitive person.

Perhaps I always will be.

The difference is that today I understand that sensitivity so much better.

I know when my body is asking me to slow down.

I know some of the things that help me regulate myself.

And I'm still learning.

So, if you read my Lions Gate story last week and wondered why on earth I seemed to experience something that you didn't...

Now you know a little more of the story behind it.

This article describes my personal experience and should not be taken as medical or benzodiazepine-tapering advice. Benzodiazepines can carry serious withdrawal risks, and changes to prescribed medication should be discussed with an appropriately qualified healthcare professional.